I haven’t posted on this blog in almost a week because I’ve struggled with what to post. I’m not sure the purpose of this blog yet. Am I writing this for myself? To help process what I’m thinking or feeling at a particular moment, help me through some of my struggles in life, and help me remember the reason I’m really doing all of this in the first place? Or am I hoping to have people read this and learn something from me? Connect with me? Say, “Hey, that’s exactly what I’m thinking/feeling!” or “I’ve been through something similar!” Or is it a combination of both?
Every time I sit down to write a blog post here, I mostly want to write about food and my struggles with it. So I’m just going to go with it. And write about what’s on my mind, and not worry about anything else.
We’ve had a lot of changes happening in our lives, and I seem to think food is going to get me through. I cannot stop eating lately. While I am mostly making “healthy choices” I am also eating a lot more of the food I don’t usually eat: bread, cookies, candy…
I’ve done several “challenges” this year (the Whole30 and the 21 day sugar detox times 2) and have seen good results. But these haven’t changed the fact that lately if I see a snicker bar I want to eat it. Immediately. And maybe have another one. I have teetered on the line of “disordered eating” in middle school when I only ate apples and pretzels. Healthy, right? And then that time when I only ate chicken breasts and did a yoga video every day after school with my friend? Again, where’s the variety? Throughout my life, I have had a pattern of “restricting” my eating, except during those college/grad school years, where I ate anything I wanted and proceeded to gain 50+ lbs (not surprising). So where is the fine line between “restricing” to be healthy, and “restricting” food in an unhealthy way.
I’ve tried “intuitive eating” where you only eat when your body is hungry and you ask yourself, “Will this nourish my body?” That seems to be temporary. In 2 hours, I could see a homemade pumpkin bar with cream cheese frosting and just “Have to have it!” because somebody made it from scratch! (Nevermind the they made it from processed sugar, dairy, flour, crap).
So what keeps me in check during stressful times like this entire month? Nothing I guess. I guess I just have to respect the fact that life isn’t always perfect. And that at times I might be a few pounds heavier because of stress, but I will get back on track when I have time to focus on it.
I am teetering on doing another Whole 30, to “reset” my body after our move and weeks of eating crap. But I’m not sure I can commit. And I’m not sure if I want to “restrict” my diet that much. When will I not have to worry so much about it? Will it ever be easy?